


Narutomaki

by texaspeach



Series: Ramen Toppings [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Time Travel, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-08-18 21:49:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 6,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20198725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/texaspeach/pseuds/texaspeach
Summary: A collection of random Naruto drabbles.





	1. Fool

**Author's Note:**

> Theoretically, this should be a drabble a day sort of work, as the prompt words come from the word of the day on dictionary.com, but hahahahahaahahahahaahah yeah I suck at doing things like that. So it'll be a drabble a whenever I post the next chapter. Also, there'll be one story for every month. This is April's.
> 
> This is a bit of an attempt to make Sakura and Sasuke's marriage look even vaguely healthy. Hopefully I succeeded! Also, I have never actually had fool. I ended up making it come from Suna because it sounded like a desert dish, even if pretty much all the recipes I found came from England. Artistic license!

**Fool - a dish made of fruit, scalded or stewed, crushed and mixed with cream or the like**

Sasuke stares down at the dish in front of him. It’s yogurt, he thinks, but he knows better than to just straight out ask what it is. Sakura gets very affronted when she thinks her cooking skills are being called into question and it isn’t worth being kicked onto the couch for the small amount of time he’s back in Konoha.

Instead, he asks, “What’s the occasion?”

Sakura smiles at him, green eyes sparkling. “What, I can’t just want to be happy that my husband is actually home for longer than the night?”

“Point,” he acknowledges, hiding the wince. He knows that she knows why he can’t stay in the village for long. He feels trapped if he stays for more than a few days, pinned in place by memories and feelings that he still can’t shake after a decade. Naruto doesn’t understand, tries to get him to stay with Sakura and him, to have Team Seven the way it used to be according to his rose-tinted glasses.

Sakura, bless her, just sends him off with a kiss and a smile.

His wife grasps his hand gently. “I’m joking, Sasuke,” she reassures him. “This was just a new recipe I wanted to try. That restaurant down by Yakiniku Q, the one run by those retired Suna nin? They have it on the menu and I tried some. Liked it so much that I begged and begged for the recipe, even.”

He lets out a silent breath of relief. He’s safe to ask, “So what’s it called?”

“Fool.”

Sasuke blinks.

“What?”

“Fool.”

He thinks back through every interaction they’ve had since he returned home and, nope, he can’t think of anything that happened that would have her insulting him. True, she usually goes for more… colorful metaphors, but simple words work just as well.

“Sakura, I know I’m not a genius, but I’ve never seen this before,” he says, confused. “There’s no need to be insulting.”

Her eyes widen. Then she laughs, long and hard, leaving him even more puzzled than before.

“I’m sorry, Sasuke!” she gasps out. “I wasn’t calling you a fool, I promise! This dish is called ‘fool.’ It’s basically yogurt with fruit, sugar, and cream.” The laugh dies down to occasional giggles as she starts eating.

Sasuke can feel the burn of a blush on his cheeks and applies himself to his food to hide his embarrassment, not looking away from the bowl to hide the telling red. It’s good, if a bit sweet for his taste, and he finishes it in rapid order. He fiddles with the spoon, staring at the whorls of the grain in the wood table when she swipes his bowl from under his nose.

A hand on his face tilts his head up. “Welcome home, Sasuke,” she murmurs, and he’s happy to discover that the fool tastes even better when it’s on her lips.


	2. Versify

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into the mind of Killer Bee.

**versify - to relate, describe, or treat (something) in the form of poetry**

Killer Bee knows he’s different. Known from a young age that he was meant for something more than just a regular shinobi’s life. And he doesn’t mean being a jinchuuriki, or being part of the Raikage’s family, or training the boy who would eventually become the hero of the Elemental Nations.

No. He was born to be a rapper.

It’s just too bad that no one else agrees with him. His brother orders him out of the room when he starts rapping. His genin team groans and plugs their ears whenever he so much as opens his mouth. Even Gyuuki(?) tunes him out more often than not. The only one who ever really appreciates how much work he puts into his rhymes is Naruto, and he’s halfway across the land in Konoha.

But does he let that deter him? Absolutely not.

He keeps his notebook and pen close and his ear cocked for anything he hears that he could use in his lines.

Soon, he thinks, maniacally scribbling yet another amazing lyric, soon he’ll be known all over the nations more for his sick rhymes rather than his martial skills, and when that day comes, he can rub it in all the haters’ faces.

(Naruto can get a signed copy of his first album drop.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite frankly, the only time I like rap is when it's a parody of a "real" song. So yeah, I wasn't about to try writing lines. Also, I obviously don't talk in slang.
> 
> ~tp


	3. Hamartia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Sasuke had succeeded in killing Naruto in their final fight at the Valley of the End.

**hamartia - the character defect that causes the downfall of the protagonist of a tragedy; tragic flaw**

Blue eyes stare unseeingly into the sky. Blond hair is matted with blood, and there’s the stink Sasuke associates with burnt flesh fouling the air. The hole in Naruto’s chest is cauterized, but there’s no way even the Kyuubi could have fixed that kind of damage. He’s dead, and with him the last chance that Sasuke can ever return home to Konoha. He’s killed the hero of the Elemental Nations.

There’s no going back for him now; he’ll have to step up and take Obito and Madara and Kaguya’s place and become the scourge of the land. Only then will the nations stay united and peace be upheld between them.

He looks back at the body of his best friend one last time, then turns toward the sun. A single tear trails down his cheek as he limps away.

(He’d always said Naruto forgave too easily.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, poor Naruto. His first appearance in the drabbles and he's D-E-D.


	4. Multiverse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke and Naruto look through seals. Naruto tries one. They end up... somewhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: hand-wavey ninja chakra magic going on here.

**multiverse - a hypothetical collection of identical or diverse universes, including our own**

“Oi, teme! Come look at this!”

Sasuke sighs. “Dobe, if this is another version of that stupid storage seal…”

Naruto flails his hands at him. Or rather, he flails the scroll in his hands at him. The Uchiha takes it, handling the ancient paper much more gingerly than his friend. He, at least, can appreciate how the slightest wrong movement can do serious damage to the scroll in his hands.

“No, this is so much better! It’s some sort of travel seal! D’you think it could be like Dad’s Hiraishin?”

Sasuke knows fuck-all about seals, and he tells Naruto as much.

Naruto pouts, but brightens. “It’s definitely some sort of travel seal. Let’s try it out!” he enthuses, and clamps a hand on Sasuke’s shoulder.

Sasuke might know fuck-all about seals, but he knows better than to just try one he knows nothing about. “No, wait--”

A bright light blinds him, and despite the fact that Naruto was the one who’d activated the seal, he could feel his own chakra draining. Specifically, draining through the Rinnegan.

Well, shit.

***

When Sasuke wakes up, he’s tied to a tree. Naruto, still out for the count and chakra worryingly low, is tied to another one. He can feel a few other people around him, but his own reserves are low enough that he doesn’t feel it prudent to check their identities. Better to save it for getting out of whatever situation the idiot’s gotten themselves into this time.

“Ne, Sensei, I think this one’s awake!”

“Tch, obviously.”

The first voice is vaguely familiar. The second is much more so, and Sasuke’s eyes snap open to see a teenage Kakashi rolling his eyes at a dark-haired boy next to him.

“Like you knew he was awake, Bakashi!” the kid argues, and suddenly Sasuke knows exactly who this is. Before he can get over the revelation of seeing a baby-faced Obito, though, a man strolls into view.

Sasuke closes his eyes in… resignation? Irritation? Annoyance? Rage? at the sight of Namikaze Minato squatting down in front of him. “I,” he announces, “am going to kill Naruto.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and now I have a brand new idea to possibly flesh out into a proper story. And so it goes.
> 
> ~tp


	5. Anthophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He used to love flowers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was easy in theory, and then I tried to write. Sigh.

**anthophobia - an abnormal fear of flowers**

He used to love flowers, but that was before he’d been captured. Now, they make him shudder in his wooden cell when he sees them bloom.

White anemones, aster, yellow camellias, kuroyuri, sagiso, honeysuckle, orange lilies all make his breath to quicken, his heart to pound, and his palms to sweat. He always backs into the corner furthest from the wooden bars to get away from the man who was his best friend, now his captor and jailer.

Thorny vines littered with roses grow tendrils and curl around his arms and legs, bringing him back into the light. The thorns dig into his skin and he can’t help but wince as they gouge his flesh.

“Hello, Madara,” Hashirama says solemnly. “Will you surrender today?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used hanakotoba (the Japanese form of the language of flowers). I used Wikipedia, so take it with a grain of salt, lol. Some of the names of the flowers are in Japanese because the English equivalent was just the scientific name and I'm not about to deal with that nonsense!
> 
> ~tp


	6. Plasticity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a reason children are put in the Academy starting at five years old.

**plasticity - the capability of being molded, receiving shape, or being made to assume a desired form; ** ** _the plasticity of social institutions_ **

There’s a reason children are put in the Academy starting at five years old.

It isn’t needed, not really, not anymore. It’s a bit of an unspoken rule now that none of the Hidden Villages use children in their skirmishes and wars. All it does is stifle a village’s growth, even if certain elders disagree with that view.

There aren’t many things that the Sandaime Hokage puts his foot down about, not to his old friend, but this is one of them.

No, they start so early because a child can be turned into just about anything with the right training. You can take a child and put him on the path of an assassin. Choose a different path and he could be a tracker. Yet another, and he could be a front-line powerhouse.

The father in Hiruzen recoils at the thought of brainwashing children to become soldiers.

The Hokage smiles grimly, and speculates if letting children start any earlier would make them even better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This... did not go the way I expected it to go. At all. Muse, why you do this?
> 
> ~tp


	7. Vade Mecum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, hey, Gaara!” Naruto suddenly says, hopping on the Kazekage's desk. “Why d’you always keep your gourd right next to you? Ain’t there enough sand around Suna?”

**vade mecum - something a person carries about for frequent or regular use**

“Hey, hey, Gaara!” Naruto suddenly says, hopping on the Kazekage's desk. “Why d’you always keep your gourd right next to you? Ain’t there enough sand around Suna?”

(There is enough sand around Suna, but not many other places.)

(The gourd is a comforting weight, reminding him that he will always be able to defend himself.)

(It reminds him of his father, who first gave it to him.)

Gaara smiles slightly, repositions Naruto’s gifted succulent on his desk. “Habit,” he responds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer - no clue who Gaara got his gourd from, so father it is.


	8. Funemployed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being between jobs is hell on her pocketbook, but damn if Sakura isn’t having a blast anyway.

**funemployed - without a paid job but enjoying the free time; ** ** _Ask one of your funemployed friends to come along with you_ **

Being between jobs is hell on her pocketbook, but damn if Sakura isn’t having a blast anyway. She’s recently moved from the backwaters of Kiri and their tiny clinic to the sleek and modern Konoha. She was offered a job at Konoha General Hospital, but it doesn’t start for another week. And since Kiri’s clinic paid under the table by the day… well, she’s starting to run low on funds. So she’s living with her best friend Ino, who’s lived here for a few years and therefore knows all the best places to go.

She’s almost a hundred percent sure that she’s been drunk more times in the past week than she has in her whole life. Her only saving grace is that she hasn’t tumbled into bed with anyone. It would be just her luck to unknowingly sleep with one of her new coworkers and only find out on her first day of work.

Then again, she thinks, spotting curly hair and ink-black eyes that reflect the red lights edging the bar, surely she won’t run into any of them here, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *stuffs Shisui/Sakura back into the bag it escaped from*


	9. Polysemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke's on trial.

**polysemy - a condition in which a single word, phrase, or concept has more than one meaning or connotation**

The Hokage sits at her desk, the elders flanking her. There are representatives from all the clans sitting in chairs lining the walls. His fellow agemates are standing against the wall behind him - Sasuke can practically hear Naruto’s collarbone breaking from the force Sakura using to hold him back. Sasuke himself stands in the middle of the room, alone, head held high even with his chakra blocked.

They’d discussed it, Sakura and Naruto and him, and they’d ultimately decided to keep Naruto out of this trial. It wouldn’t help Sasuke’s case in anyone’s eyes, as Naruto forgives anyone practically anything, and his… obsession with saving Sasuke is very well known.

Sasuke’s pretty sure he heard a tavern song about it somewhere in the Land of Rice.

No, Sasuke’s only option is to… well, court the court, pardon the pun. Flatter them, point out how indispensable he is, remind them that he’s the last of the Uchiha line, and if all else fails he can always fall back on the psychological trauma of having his entire clan murdered when he was eight years old.

He squares his shoulders and begins to try to regain his freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *flails* This was a ridiculous word, so I took the easy way out and made a pun. Ha. Ha. Ha.
> 
> ~tp


	10. Flimflam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Haruto wants to do is drown his sorrows in peace.

**flimflam - to trick, deceive, swindle, or cheat**

All Haruto wants to do is drown his sorrows in peace. That’s all he wants. That’s why he’s going at two in the afternoon rather than later at night - peace and quiet is hard to get in a bar after everyone is finished working. He’d rather deal with the looks and whispers than the earsplitting roar that comes with the usual inhabitants. When he walks into the bar, however, he’s nearly blasted straight back out again by the noise. There are a lot of men nursing their cups and babying their arms too. What the hell is going on here?

He gets his answer in the form of a brown-haired man with strange purple markings under his eyes. “You! You look like a strapping young man! Would you like to try your hand at beating my lady in an arm-wrestling contest?”

Haruto blinks at him.

“Sukea,” a low voice admonishes. “There’s no need to ambush people. Please, sir, ignore my servant. He hasn’t been properly housetrained yet.”

“No prob-” Haruto nearly swallows his tongue as Sukea moves aside in deference to his lady.

There  _ is _ a woman sitting at the table. However, she’s definitely not a blacksmith, like he was half-thinking. She’s a noblewoman, small and delicate-looking in her real silk kimono, with pink hair in an intricate updo and striking green eyes lined in black. Her smile is sweet and shy as she offers the other chair to him.

“I’m Hana,” she says. “Have a drink. In recompense for Sukea accosting you.”

***

Much later that night, he stumbles from the bar, the muscles in his right arm throbbing from being overworked even seven hours later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about going a darker route with this, but "flim-flam" makes me think of carnival workers tricking people by selling snake-oil remedies. (no I don't watch My Little Pony what are you talking about) (yes there's two ponies named Flim and Flam and they sell stuff that doesn't work and Applejack gets pissed off and goes after them)


	11. Alacrity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka thinks Naruto is amazing.

**alacrity - cheerful readiness, promptness, or willingness**

Iruka thinks Naruto is amazing. He always agrees to help out anyone in Konoha who needs it, with a cheerful grin and go-to attitude that usually ends up overwhelming the one who asked for help in the first place.

(The woman who literally spit on Naruto as a boy.)

(The shopkeeper that refused to let Naruto into his store.)

(The ANBU who turned the other way when Naruto was being chased by an angry mob.)

(The yearmates who constantly belittled him and bullied him.)

(Iruka himself, who didn’t lift a finger to help him until that fateful night.)

If there were more people like Naruto, Iruka thinks, the world would be a far kinder (and louder) place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iruka, baby boy, Naruto loves you too.
> 
> Also, yes, I changed the name of the story. Now it's a part of a series called "Ramen Toppings." Each month will be a different ramen topping. Obviously. Also obviously, I had to start with narutomaki.


	12. Unicorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kinoe knows that he is Danzō-sama's most valuable tool.

**unicorn - a person or thing that is rare or highly valued, or is a hypothetical ideal**

Kinoe knows that he is Danzō-sama’s most valuable tool. If he had any idea of the world beyond ROOT, he would know he would be Konoha’s most valuable tool as well. But he’s been inside the ROOT base for as long as he can remember, only taking short excursions outside the walls of the village for lessons on various skills. Danzō-sama hasn’t given him any missions yet, because he wants to make sure that his most valuable tool is perfect.

But today, today is different. Danzō-sama has called him into his office and given him his first mission. He is to befriend and then assassinate one Hatake Kakashi.

Kinoe clenches his fist. He will prove himself to Danzō-sama, and ensure that he continues to be Danzō-sama’s most valuable tool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um, dark. Oops?


	13. Tootle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hatake Kakashi has a persona to uphold.

**tootle- to move or proceed in a leisurely way**

Hataka Kakashi has a persona to uphold.

He reads porn in public, much to the horror of little old ladies who don’t understand elite jounin coping mechanisms. (Also, he’d rather be known as “perverted” than “friend killer.”)

He’s at least two hours late to everything, much to the exasperation of the Hokage. (The Sandaime knows why he does it, and begrudgingly lets it happen.)

He slouches around and meanders his way through roads and life alike, unhurried and taking it at his own pace. (Why not? It makes other underestimate him, and it’s a nice change of pace from the go-go-go attitude of his youth, when he threw himself into mission after mission in ANBU, trying his damndest to get himself killed so he wouldn’t have to hurt anymore.)

And the best part is that it pisses off a whole lot of people, which has the added benefit of those same people steering clear of him. (No one to get close to, no one to lose.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really, did this word fit anyone other than Kakashi? Also, if you haven't noticed over the last few chapters, I like parentheses. I've been seeing a therapist about it, but it's not working.


	14. Conlang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi has no clue what the fuck they're saying, only that it doesn't sound like anything he's ever heard.

**conlang - an artificially constructed language used by a group of speakers, as opposed to one that has naturally evolved**

Kakashi has no clue what’s going on. This, of course, is a rare state for him, and he’s finding himself rather irritated because of it. The data gathered on his three prospective genin is either absolute bullshit or three S-class missing-nins have somehow replaced them. He’s had to push his hitai-ate straight, and he’s currently dodging attacks left and right, handspringing away from Sakura’s earth-shattering (literally! What the hell?) punches only to have to duck as soon as he lands to avoid a kick from Naruto. He hasn’t seen Sasuke yet, and that only increases his paranoia.

It doesn’t take long before he’s tied to the post he’d threatened to tie the loser to.

Again, what. the. hell.

Sasuke’s Sharingan (fully developed and with a Mangekyo and also purple on one side what the fuck) is spinning madly. “Kion vi pensis?” he hisses at his companions.

“Um… ni ne estis?” Naruto laughs uncomfortably, one hand going up to rub at the back of his neck. Kakashi spots a strange seal on his palm.

“Sasuke, ni ne povas kaŝi la ŝanĝojn,” Sakura scolds, or at least it sounds scolding. Kakashi has no clue what the fuck they’re saying, only that it doesn’t sound like anything he’s never heard. “Via okulo estas purpura, pro dioj de dio.”

“Hn,” the Uchiha grunts, looking away.

Kakashi can’t stand it any longer. “What the  _ fuck _ is going on?” he demands. The three teenagers turn to him as one, looking sheepish. Even Sasuke won’t quite meet his eyes.

Naruto is the one to step forward. “Ne, Kakashi-sensei, you won’t  _ believe _ what happened…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Way too lazy to come up with my own conlang for a drabble, so forgive the Google Translation of English to Esperanto. Which, incidentally, is a conlang. Also Klingon and Tolkien Elvish.
> 
> (Basic transalation: "What were you thinking?" "Um... we weren't?" "Sasuke, we can't hide the changes. Your eye is purple, for god's sake.")


	15. Gabelle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's a tax. To enter Orochimaru's _house_."

**gabelle - a tax, excise**

Jiraiya stares at Orochimaru’s student in disbelief. “Excuse me, what?” he splutters.

Anko raises her chin. “You heard me.”

“There’s a tax. To enter Orochimaru’s  _ house _ .”

“Yup.”

Jiraiya’s eyes narrow at the little brat, but she shows no sign of backing down. “This is extortion,” he grumbles, but digs into his pocket and pulls out a few coins. He drops them in her waiting hand and brushes past her, shouting, “Teme, did you know your brat is extorting people for money?”

“Of course I do.” Orochimaru’s voice drifts down the stairs of the house, followed closely by the man himself. He gives him a perfectly polite smile that makes the hairs on the back of Jiraiya’s neck stand up. “Who do you think gave her the idea?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was reading "a snake among the leaves" by blackkat earlier. Can you tell? If you haven't read it yet, you should. I think it might be my favorite of their fics.
> 
> [a snake among the leaves](https://archiveofourown.org/series/139773)


	16. Umami

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He eyes the pot on the stove and resigns himself to probably getting food poisoning.

**umami - a strong meaty taste, often considered to be one of the basic taste sensations along with sweet, sour, bitter, and salty, imparted by glutamate and certain other amino acids**

Naruto, Number One Unpredictable Ninja, Hero of the Hidden Leaf, Savior of Our World, looks down at the stew in front of him with a quickly hidden grimace. He can handle anything thrown at him, dattebayo! ...even if “anything” in this case is Sakura’s latest attempt at cooking.

Sakura is an amazing person. She’s strong as hell, compassionate, and an amazing healer. She does all the hospital paperwork and probably most of Kakashi-sensei’s as well if he’s honest. She still somehow finds the time to take missions too.

The only thing she’s not so great at… is cooking.

But Naruto had promised to try it, and he always keeps his promise, so he gamely fishes out a huge chunk of pork and chomps down on it with as much enthusiasm as he can muster.

“How is it?” Sakura asks worriedly, watching him with the eye of a hawk. Or a med-nin when observing a patient, really. She’s infamous for thwarting even Kakashi-sensei’s escape attempts.

“Really… meaty,” Naruto says. The spices are good, though, which is a relief. Last time she cooked it took Kurama an hour to heal his tongue from the burn.

“But not bad?”

Naruto grins at her around his mouthful. “Of course not!” he (kind of) lies blithely.

Her eyes brighten. “Great!” she exclaims. “Because I’ve got plenty more where that came from!”

He eyes the pot on the stove and resigns himself to probably getting food poisoning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy-handed, but whatever. It works.


	17. Lese Majesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can only hope that one day, one day they'll be able to reconcile and teach chakra manipulation as it should be taught.

**lese majesty - an attack on any custom, institution, belief, etc., held sacred or revered by numbers of people**

Hagoromo is grieved by his son’s choice to turn his peaceful ninshū into a weapon. Ninshű is supposed to lead their world into an era of peace, where no one would fight anyone else, where everyone would understand each other. For Indra to use chakra the way his grandmother did, to use it to hurt, to rend, to absolutely destroy, it’s something that Hagoromo just can’t understand.

But he can’t do anything, can’t keep his sons’ reincarnations from fighting each other over and over and over again. He can only hope that one day, one day they’ll be able to reconcile and teach chakra manipulation as it should be taught. Not as ninjutsu, but as ninshū.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about blaspheming the Ramen Gods, but I think that's a step too far!


	18. Facultative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The choice left before him is terrible.

**facultative - left to one’s option or choice; optional**

The choice left before him is terrible.

Watch his entire family, his entire clan be murdered, followed by his own death, all at the hand of Danzō's ROOT and Madara.

Or he can do it, can kill everyone with the family name Uchiha and save his little brother from the same fate. All at the cost of Sasuke’s hatred and possibly his own sanity.

Itachi is loyal to Konoha above his own clan, as it should be for all shinobi. He loves Sasuke above all others, even himself, and would keep him safe from everything.

There’s no real choice after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this count as a choice if there wasn't any choice?


	19. Yealing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a man standing in front of the Memorial Stone, head bowed, when Kakashi arrives to pay his respects.

**yealing - a person of the same age as oneself**

There’s a man standing in front of the Memorial Stone, head bowed, when Kakashi arrives to pay his respects. A man he doesn’t recognize, but has a Konoha leaf engraved on the hitai-ate wrapped around his upper arm anyway. Kakashi pauses for a moment, torn between demanding who the man is and going straight to the Hokage.

“Ah, sorry shinobi-san. I’m finished,” the man says, and turns around. Blue eyes widen when he sees Kakashi. Three whisker marks scrunch up when the man smiles. “Kakashi-sensei!” he enthuses. He looks like he’s visibly restraining himself from throwing himself at Kakashi, who’s very grateful as he struggles with figuring out just what’s going on.

Naruto is standing in front of him. That much he’s sure of - that chakra can’t be mistaken. But it’s different - older, fuller, more in control. The demonic taint is far more interwoven within human chakra than it was just yesterday. Combined with the fact that teenage Naruto would rather try his Sexy Jutsu than henging into a grown-up version of himself, and there’s only one option. An unheard-of option, but if anyone could travel through time, it would be Naruto.

He flips open his book and buries his nose in it. “Maa, Naruto-kun, what did you do this time?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Kakashi is taking this too easily? But he is Hip and Cool.


	20. Exodus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The survivors struggle in.

**exodus - a going out; a departure or emigration, usually of a large number of people**

The survivors struggle in. Hair is hastily dyed or rubbed with soot to darken the characteristic red, and there are ripped places on clothing where spirals used to proudly sit. They’re mostly civilians, generally women and children, with a few low-level shinobi mixed in. They escaped through tunnels running underneath the ocean to the mainland, a wizened old woman explains, tunnels made by the Shodaime Uzukage in secret, tunnels known only to the current Uzukage and no one else. All but a handful of fighters stayed behind to hide the entrances so Kiri wouldn’t find them.

At one point there were over 10,000 people in Uzushiogakure. Now, there are maybe 500 left, all leagues away from their homes in their escape from the massacre. They are scattered across the Elemental Nations, and they can never go home.


	21. Easter Egg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He watches it, more because he thinks it's going to be terrible than because he thinks it's going to be any good.

**Easter egg - a hidden message, as a cryptic reference, iconic image, or an inside joke, that fans are intended to discover in a television show or movie**

Sasuke is back in Konoha for a few days when he hears about it. Someone - he suspects the same people who produced the Princess Gale franchise -made a movie based on Jiraiya’s book. Not the Icha Icha series, thank the Sage, but  The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi .

He watches it, more because he thinks it’s going to be terrible than because he thinks it’s going to be any good.

He’s right, of course. The lead is transparently based on the dobe, the damsel in distress looks a lot like Hinata, and the evil ninja is deformed and nearly inhuman. The special effects are half-assed, the fight choreography laughable, and the dialogue theatrically overdone. And if he didn’t think the title character was based on his best friend, the multitude of foxes scattered throughout the entire film, both subtle and not, would clue him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you make "Easter egg" fit into Naruto without making it a modern world AU? Make a movie about Naruto transparently disguised as Jiraiya's book, of course! Thank the Sage for the Princess Gale franchise!


	22. Anthropocene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara often makes noises, Tobirama discovers.

**Anthropocene - a proposed epoch of the present time, occurring since the mid-20th century, when human activity began to effect significant environmental consequences, specifically on ecosystems and climate**

Madara often makes noises, Tobirama discovers.

A snort when Hashirama does or says something particularly asinine (the only time Tobirama and Madara can ever have anything remotely reaching some sort of camaraderie).

A splutter when his emotions are too strong for his brain to find words (or so Tobirama can only assume).

An inarticulate screech when he’s angry at Izuna (quickly followed by a splash as Izuna is ducked into the nearest body of water).

His favorite so far is the choking sound the man made upon seeing the completed face on the mountain, and the resulting gales of laughter while Hashirama pouts nearby, a rain cloud practically visible above his head.

(So he might have a soft spot for Madara now, after several years of peace. But no one knows.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank goodness these are prompts and not, hey, you have to use this word in your writing.


	23. Bardolatry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiraiya is the greatest author of all time. Kakashi is firmly convinced by this.

**bardolatry - great or excessive adoration of or reverence for William Shakespeare**

Jiraiya is the greatest author of all time. Kakashi is firmly convinced by this.

Point number one: The  _ Icha Icha _ series is the best selling book series of all time. Obviously the public agrees with Kakashi’s opinion.

Point number two: There’s always a happy ending in  _ Icha Icha _ . The bad guys are beat by the good guys, the good guy never dies, and he always gets the girl.

Point number three: The fight scenes are realistic. Of course they would be, since Jiraiya actually knows how to fight.

Point number four: The sex scenes. Need he says more?

Jiraiya is the greatest.

(And if there’s a random book on the same shelf that holds his  _ Icha Icha _ collection, well…

The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi is written by Jiraiya as well.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, who else fits that definition better? Except maybe Minato.


	24. Rhubarb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He hopes that they’ll grow out of this before they become chūnin.

**rhubarb - a quarrel or squabble**

There’s shouting from the training ground up ahead, and Minato sighs in aggravation. Kakashi and Obito are at it again, probably with Rin standing off to one side trying not to take sides.

It’s a sadly pathetic love triangle he has, or at least that’s what Kushina says. Rin is in love with Kakashi, though best friends with Obito. Obito is in love with Rin and sees Kakashi as some sort of rival. Kakashi himself just sees them as holding him back, with Rin being a minor irritant and Obito being a rather larger (and louder) one.

Feeling the chakra crackling even from here, Minato flashes into the clearing and looks sternly at the two culprits. Obito’s face is red and offended, Kakashi’s… well, his eyes have a smug look in them that barely subsides at the chastening glare. Minato refrains from pinching the bridge of his nose.

He hopes that they’ll grow out of this before they become chūnin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me too, Minato. Me too. Also, who else knew that rhubarb isn't just something you eat? I sure didn't.


	25. Frisson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's team assignment day.

**frisson - a sudden, passing sensation of excitement; a shudder of emotion; thrill**

It’s team assignment day. Shikamaru is totally not interested in being here right now. He already knows who his team and sensei will be - he’s the next generation of Ino-Shika-Cho, and his father had let slip that they were going to be trained by the Hokage’s runaway son. (Not that Shikaku’d put it in those words, of course, but everyone knew that Sarutobi Asuma had been away from the village for a long time after a fight with his father. Same thing, as far as Shikamaru is concerned.)

Still, as the teams were called out, one by one, Shikamaru couldn’t help but feel a little less lethargic than normal. It’s interesting to his inner strategist to see the different team makeups. This one should be an infiltration team. That one, a tracking team. The next, an attacking team.

Team Seven next, and with Haruni and Uchiha being on it, he can only assume… well, he’s not sure, actually. They’re both top of the class, but that’s where the similarities end. Uchiha is picture-perfect in practically everything ninja, but Haruno is destined to be a paper ninja at best.

When Naruto’s name is called as the third member, a thrill of… anticipation? Worry? Something, anyway, goes up Shikamaru’s spine. He knows about Naruto’s secret, about the Kyuubi (really, how can any of the kids in their class not know?), and that gives him a huge amount of chakra, chakra that the other two just don’t have. Between Haruno’s smarts, Uchiha’s skills, and Naruto’s reserves… Shodaime preserve them, Team Seven is going to be a front line brawler team, aren’t they?

“Troublesome,” he mutters, and lays his head back down on the desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, Shikamaru having emotion is always amusing.


	26. Pseudepigraphy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The _Icha Icha_ books aren’t all by Jiraiya.

**pseudepigraphy - the false ascription of a piece of writing to an author**

The _ Icha Icha _ books aren’t all by Jiraiya. Most people don’t know this, maybe almost no one, or maybe even no one at all.

Well, except the one who did the rest of the writing.

During the three years that Naruto traveled with Ero-Sennin, the Sage didn’t write a single book. Oh, he took notes and came up with ideas and outlines and even wrote some scenes, but he was more worried about keeping Naruto out of trouble and out of range of the Akatsuki to truly focus.

Naruto, feeling guilty about that, helped him out a little. Despite being only fifteen, he’d lived in the Flower District for a long time. He knew what happened in sex practically before he knew how to write his name, and a class on the subject of seduction was one of the last before graduation. It wasn’t hard to write it down, and the flowery prose Jiraiya liked to use was easy enough to copy.

So one day, long after Jiraiya’s death, when Naruto has achieved his dream of becoming Hokage, Kakashi’s off-handed mention of his favorite book - the one, incidentally, that was practically ghostwritten by Naruto himself - makes him choke on his ramen. Kakashi helpfully thumps him on the back, thought the twinkle in his eyes tells a different story. He totally did that on purpose, the ass.

Okay, so make that two people who know Jiraiya didn’t write all his books himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the idea of Naruto taking over the series. It's just amusing.


	27. Groupthink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now he’s dripping in paint, his class is giggling, and he’s just about done with Konohamaru and his pranks.

**groupthink - the lack of individual creativity, or of a sense of personal responsibility, that is sometimes characteristic of group interaction**

The classroom is very quiet. Iruka stands at his desk, covered in paint. He’s tripped some sort of trap that he should have noticed, considering the perpetrator (perpetrators, he corrects, hearing a guilty giggle from someone decidedly  _ not _ Konohamaru). But it’s been a hectic day already, and his attention has been straying more often than not to his little brother, who’s already been gone for a year and a half with only a few sparse letters in between. There’s a letter burning a hole in his pocket now, actually, brought to him by a random ANBU.

Now he’s dripping in paint, his class is giggling, and he’s just about done with Konohamaru and his pranks. They aren’t even creative - just redos of what Naruto’s done before. He takes a deep breath, holds it, counts to ten,

“KONOHAMARU!”

The boy in question eeps. “Um, it was Udon’s idea!” he squeaks, ducking under his desk.

Udon is outraged. “Moegi was part of it too!” he accuses.

The three instantly start squabbling and Iruka pinches the bridge of his nose.

Gods, he’ll be glad when the weekend comes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, poor Iruka. He's such a saint, guys. Really. He's my fave.


	28. Brainchild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobirama opens his eyes when he thought he’d closed them for good.

**brainchild - a product of one’s creative work or thought**

Tobirama opens his eyes when he thought he’d closed them for good.

He recognizes his own work instantly. Edo Tensei is a strange-feeling jutsu when applied to oneself, he notices, but he’s more distracted by the sight of Hashirama next to him, and Saru in front of him. His brother looks the same, save for the black sclera and cracks in his face, but his student is old, very old for a shinobi, and weary.

“Kill him!” A sibilant voice orders, and Tobirama is dismayed to find that he can’t control his own body as he moves forward in tandem with his brother. Whoever resurrected him made sure to use a control seal. Even knowing how to break the seal doesn’t help, as physically he’s completely under the summoner’s influence.

He hopes Saru can defeat them, but one Kage against two of his and Hashirama’s caliber won’t be an easy fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, angst is my jam, okay?


	29. Clown Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, why are there so many of us?”
> 
> “Dude, Naruto and Hinata are on a date! Don’t you wanna see how badly that idiot will screw up?”

**clown car - a group whose size seems absurdly excessive for the purported function of the group, and whose effectiveness is therefore questionable**

“So, why are there so many of us?”

“Dude, Naruto and Hinata are on a date! Don’t you wanna see how badly that idiot will screw up?”

“I do not think he will, as you say, screw up. Why? Because Hinata has had a crush on Naruto for a very long time. Nothing can change her mind about him now.”

“Shut up before they hear us, Ino-pig!”

“You’re the one being loud, forehead!”

“Tch, this is so troublesome. Why do you even care?”

“Sorry I’m late guys - WHOA!”

Seven bodies topple onto the road, balance lost by Choji running into them and unable to escape by Choji landing on top of the group. They end up right in front of their quarry.

“Heh, hi Naruto, Hinata.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even highly trained shinobi get knocked down sometimes, amiright?


	30. Sesquipedalian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What the hell did you call us, you albino bastard?”

**sesquipedalian - given to using long words**

“...and the Uzumaki and the Senju are consanguineous, descending from a family that split apart, some moving to what would eventually become Uzushiogakure and the rest moving into Fire Country…”

Madara ineffectively tries to cover a yawn. Tobirama is explaining… something… in great detail, but he keeps using words that the Uchiha has never seen written before, let alone used in an actual verbal conversation. His voice is too soothing, too, and it isn’t long before Madara’s eyes are drooping.

Izuna leaps from his seat, startling him out of his half doze. “What the hell did you call us, you albino bastard?”

Tobirama blinks at him. “Polyphiloprogenitive?” He says blankly.

“Yeah, that!” Izuna says furiously. “Uchiha are loyal to their partners - they don’t sleep around like you’re implying!”

There’s a beat of silence before Tobirama slowly reaches up and rubs the bridge of his nose in irritation.

“I’m not implying anything of the sort, Uchiha,” he says wearily. “Polyphiloprogenitive, although it has the prefix ‘poly-‘, has nothing to do with polyamorous. It simply means that one or a group love children and are… prolific in offspring.”

This sinks in slowly. Izuna turns bright red and leaves as quickly as his dignity lets him, which is very, since he seems to have none left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretend Tobi knows all about Ancient Greek prefixes, okay?
> 
> April is done - look out for May, titled “Moyashi.”


End file.
